msrebel's Blog

Damp rot

Every song that comes on kills me slowly. There is some constant reminder that I am alone. I put myself in a situation where I devalued me. Somehow I was OK with being second, I had convinced myself that it was all just a farce. That she would just OPEN her eyes and see that I am the one.
Funny how that day never came. People have a tendency to blame you for their current actions and feelings. The truth is; I was never the one to begin with. If we only had come to that conclusion before my heart was broken twice.
The light bouncing off this blade looks extremely appealing to me. I just have to think that these feelings will pass.

My Love

Until this moment, I had not realized that someone could break your heart twice, along the very same fault lines.....

To do what you are doing, without caring about the effect of you actions; or lack there of is baffling. Especially since you spoke so high of this love you once called your life.

Pain in her eyes, a smile in her disguise. Smiling at your morning ramblings.
Looking off into the distance to clear the tears she hides. 
Broken dreams left with just a memory. 
You tore me into pieces, now I'm designed with so much hate.
High expectations for the next one who tries to come through her gate.
People are tearing down the walls; trying to make into the sunset
But its with you she wants to ride off with.
But with you these days,  the more that she rides, she falls off.
She loses  control and I come out
because we no longer am ourselves.
I put up with your bullshit cause I am rupenzel.
High up in the castle, I await.
Trying to keep you happy, while forgetting about my feelings.
Now Im left here trying to figure out why the stars are landing on my face.
No more fairy tales

I was willing to make sacrifices. I guess we weren't on the same page. You gave up so fast seems like you never loved me in the first place. And now you speak of love for somone else? Do you know what love is?

Yea I know, sometimes you gotta let go to be free. But if you ask me my love..
you are making a grave mistake.

As I sit here writing this, I wonder, do you even recognize it's me? You can't even tell between us anymore. You dont pay attention like you use to.

I miss that about you. "This journey is a life long lesson. Broken dreams with a broken heart because I couldn't be there with you 24/7? For give me for my mental illenss and how it doesn't suit you and your heart. I have ALWAYS kept my end of the bargain to love you uncondtioally no matter what......
I highly doubt you can utter the same words to me.

Your soft spot-Abigial

Forever I will love you

You ask; what if I dont love you forever? What if your weirdness sets me off, and for reason I do you know?

I think you ask me these questions because, your afraid. I understand, but I think we are two people who will work it out no matter how high the tide becomes. We will be those old couples who compain about things, but at the end of the day, lay in bed at night and thank God for blessing us with our pefect mate. 

Because although you sweat alot, and your feet may stink, and I am not the most graceful person, and sometimes I do pass gas on accident..

At the end of the day
You are my fate
Forever I will love you
I will never hesitate

From our past lifetimes till the next. I am yours. 


The half of it

Since I doubt you, or anyone else reads anyones blogs, I am gonna vent here in this space for now.

Since you last saw me, I have many new scars. Mutilation on my thighs, arms, it was just the begining you and I. Maybe you think I wasn't as bad as you thought.

So while you sit there, thinking you were the one going through hell, waiting on me; seeing past my "lies" and half truths, you dont know that half of it.

I may seem fine, but I am almost always 2 secs away from tears. Missing you, needing you, while you speak to me about how you need to take your time. And, for all good reasons, I say I understand, but you dont know the half of it.

Although I enjoy you venting about her, and those guys at work, sometimes, I scream inside just to have you ask me if I am OK. I want you to see that even behind my "i am fines" I am really NOT OK, but you dont know the half if it.

You speak about old songs we once thought of as ours that cross your mind when they come beem on the radio, but I wheep at every song because it reminds me of you, and us, and shoulda woulda coulda's but I dont tell you these things because you think you know, however; you dont know the half of it.

You dont know what I have been through, and reasonably argued it is my fault, but you my love dropped me when I needed you most. So, I know you like to say you know me, but you don't know the half of it.

I shouldnt have to beg you, or bend and twist your arm to want to see me. You are my anchor, and no matter how far the sea may make me wander, you are always there to keep me from drifting. However it seems like you let up. Made eyes at another boat, and now yoy feel the need to hold that boat down. In every way you think you are doing me a "solid" by being there now. Distant but still there. You think that your 30 min phone calls from work make up from your blocked number on my phone when you call in your free time. But again my love, you dont know the half of it.

Maybe if you asked and perhaps truly wanted to get into my emotions, my head and the rest of my heart, you would ask about the rest and not settle for the half. 

Being the Casuality of love ....not just thinking about it

People say always and forever, but they dont mean it. They promise they are different and we will be different, but were not. At the end of the day, I am alone. Can you say the same? No...clearly not.

I dont like being in the backseat. I want to be held and told that everything is going to be ok. Is that alot to ask? Proably...

I am going to stop reaching out to people who I feel I am a bother to. *nods*


I The Wife.

I have had the most trecerous past 6 months. I need you back in my life...whatever way humanly possible. I have realized the importance of my life, and I wish I could do many things over again. I know sometimes its too late, but one can hope right? 

Well...I hope so. I have started...believe it or not. 

The Wife. 

1-6 of 6 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Damp rot, posted December 14th, 2014
My Love, posted November 13th, 2014
Forever I will love you, posted August 12th, 2014
The half of it, posted August 11th, 2014, 1 comment
Being the Casuality of love ....not just thinking about it, posted August 3rd, 2014
I The Wife., posted July 31st, 2014, 4 comments

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