Maybe Im not really Ok? | msrebel's Blog

I know on the outside I act fine, but yesterday someone near and dear to me asked me if I was OK and I I immediatly said yes without even thinking about it. it was like a defense went up. "Yes I'm fine, now allow us to change the conversation."

But when I thought about it last night fully, I realized I'm not OK at all.

Some of you may know that I recently moved to Texas and I say it was for work but it wasn't it was because this man who had been essentially stalking me since I was 17 found me in Missouri and broke into my house and physically and sexually assualted me. My nightmare had come true, all the precautions of not telling anyone my address and being private about myself failed. he found me. It was my worst fear come true.

Of course after that I pressed charges and he was convicted and now is in jail, but I am still very scared. I stopped talking to all of my friends, I just left everyone, not even a note saying goodbye. I left my life behind and moved to Texas. Now that I am here, I am living with the conseqences that I took to make that happen to be safe for myself.

I changed my phone number, my e-mail address, I refuse to even give my doctor my resident address so I got PO box, I get scared at night when I have to walk my dog...I keep pepper spray  near me at all times! It's really a nightmare.

I want to learn to be free and know that he cant hurt me anymore, therefore I can open up to people and let them in but im afraid. I'm afraid that they will leave me like I did to them and why not? I mean I pretty much deserve it. Karma is coming my life and I dont like one bit.

I hope this post is a small step to the healing process. wish me luck.