Maybe Im not really Ok? | msrebel's Blog
I know on the outside I act fine, but yesterday someone near and dear to me asked me if I was OK and I I immediatly said yes without even thinking about it. it was like a defense went up. "Yes I'm fine, now allow us to change the conversation."
But when I thought about it last night fully, I realized I'm not OK at all.
Some of you may know that I recently moved to Texas and I say it was for work but it wasn't it was because this man who had been essentially stalking me since I was 17 found me in Missouri and broke into my house and physically and sexually assualted me. My nightmare had come true, all the precautions of not telling anyone my address and being private about myself failed. he found me. It was my worst fear come true.
Of course after that I pressed charges and he was convicted and now is in jail, but I am still very scared. I stopped talking to all of my friends, I just left everyone, not even a note saying goodbye. I left my life behind and moved to Texas. Now that I am here, I am living with the conseqences that I took to make that happen to be safe for myself.
I changed my phone number, my e-mail address, I refuse to even give my doctor my resident address so I got PO box, I get scared at night when I have to walk my dog...I keep pepper spray near me at all times! It's really a nightmare.
I want to learn to be free and know that he cant hurt me anymore, therefore I can open up to people and let them in but im afraid. I'm afraid that they will leave me like I did to them and why not? I mean I pretty much deserve it. Karma is coming my life and I dont like one bit.
I hope this post is a small step to the healing process. wish me luck.
Previous PostsMPD, posted March 19th, 2013
Who I really am, posted March 9th, 2013, 1 comment
Left behind, posted February 17th, 2013, 2 comments
Is it just me or is it you?, posted February 6th, 2013, 4 comments
The friend Zone, posted January 10th, 2013
My own ememy, posted January 1st, 2013
Being made a fool of, posted December 28th, 2012
Maybe Im not really Ok?, posted December 5th, 2012, 7 comments
Where I have been, posted February 23rd, 2012, 4 comments
Fukk you, posted May 12th, 2011
Soul Sisters?, posted April 11th, 2011, 2 comments
People always leave, posted March 1st, 2011, 15 comments
Inside my head..., posted February 14th, 2011, 6 comments
Dreds and White people, posted January 28th, 2011, 9 comments
Between the lines, posted January 27th, 2011, 2 comments
Mad men my azz, posted September 10th, 2010, 4 comments
Time for a change, posted September 9th, 2010, 1 comment
We must make a change, posted September 2nd, 2010
Nonsense, posted August 24th, 2010, 1 comment
Darkness, posted August 24th, 2010, 3 comments
Very merry unbirthday, posted August 17th, 2010, 6 comments
meh...Im a softy tonight, posted August 6th, 2010, 11 comments
When will the US get on the bandwagon?, posted July 15th, 2010, 2 comments
If you are patient, posted July 15th, 2010, 5 comments
Arizona is crazy, posted June 11th, 2010, 12 comments
My mothers death, posted May 30th, 2010
Are we ever going to change?, posted March 30th, 2010, 3 comments
Sooner rather than later, posted March 11th, 2010, 3 comments
Treat me like a mutha fukking white man...., posted March 11th, 2010, 1 comment
Never Cry, posted February 12th, 2010, 7 comments
Sometimes even our emotions are lies, posted February 12th, 2010
Life, posted December 22nd, 2009, 1 comment
ENOUGH, posted December 1st, 2009
Which is.............., posted November 30th, 2009, 6 comments
Hues, posted November 26th, 2009
Spliting of the Mind, posted November 19th, 2009
****, posted November 13th, 2009, 5 comments
Rapture, posted November 8th, 2009, 1 comment
Inspiration, posted November 8th, 2009
Secret me, posted November 4th, 2009
For the women who cannot speak...I AM ur voice....TODAY, posted November 3rd, 2009, 1 comment
To my Love...Between the Lines, posted November 2nd, 2009, 4 comments
The faces of ME, posted October 15th, 2009, 4 comments
Corruption in Politics, posted October 7th, 2009, 3 comments
A letter to my Mother, posted October 1st, 2009
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